Remember Mabel? The marvellous 100-year-old we all took to our hearts when we read how she swore the secret to long life was drinking six gin-and-tonics a day. She declared: “I have two at lunchtime, one at tea-time with a biscuit, and then three more during the evening while I do my knitting. I swear the gin keeps me young!” She even calculated that, as it took her a week to get through a bottle, she had consumed 4,264 bottles since she started drinking! I am the bearer of bad news. I am mourning Mabel. Mabel is no more. For she never was.